Wish Upon A Chef

Since starting the October Unprocessed 2013 Challenge, I feel like Old Mother Hubbard.  I can still give my dog a bone because he would sell my soul three times over for a Milkbone, but my cupboards are bare since I committed to removing what processed foods were left from my nearly year-long attempt to change my eating habits. 

You can see what my pantry looked like back in April, and I'm pleased to admit that my shelves are no longer straining under the weight and pressure of entirely too much food for one person.  Ridding my supply of processed items was a huge relief but also scared the pants off of me.  What would I reach for during those moments of weakness when I want something to eat RIGHT NOW?

More than halfway through the challenge I'm pleased to report that I haven't starved to death (yet) but it will probably take me just as long to restock my pantry with the good stuff as it did to rid it of the demons.  There's a lot of label reading involved, alot of products in the stores to weed through and one thing I've learned is that just because it's organic, all-natural or non-GMO doesn't mean it's going to taste good and I'm going to like it.  Some of the things I've tried so far, I would rather starve to death than have it in my pantry again. 

I needed to replace my crack(er) pipe addiction with an acceptable alternative quickly, before I committed really bad food-related crimes.  Of course I could make my own but who the bleep has time for that?  Triscuits were my first attempt at finding an acceptable crack alternative, but after doing some research on canola oil (one of the ingredients in Triscuits) and considering I could consume enough of them to kill a lab rat, I decided to steer clear of them.

Have you ever looked at the ingredients listed on the box of your favorite crackers?  Check out the ingredients on this box of Kashi crackers - a brand that markets itself as a healthy, nothing artificial, whole grain good-for-you product.  More than 20 items listed in something you can make at home with less than 5 ingredients.  And God only know where that "natural flavor" came from.  No thanks. 


I started paying attention to sections of the grocery store that I normally blew past, never giving a second glance or much thought to and the Jewish section yielded some really great cracker finds!  Check out the ingredients on the Streit's 100% Whole Wheat Matzo crackers and the Manischewitz brand of matzo.  Pretty simple stuff, huh?


Now check out the ingredients on the Kavli Crispy Garlic crackers.  While it does contain sugar, there's not even enough of it to even register on the RDA scale so I decided they were acceptable.


Finding good, clean, unprocessed convenience items takes a bit of effort and some thinking and looking outside the box.  If there is a questionable ingredient, look it up online and I guarantee you'll find more than you need to know about it (and if it's questionable to begin with that should tell you something, no?)

It's time to slow down, unwind, unprocess and pay attention to what goes into your mouth.  Treat your body like the temple it is meant to be instead of a make-shift pup tent.  You won't regret it and I can promise there are much-better-for-you alternatives out there to the things you currently love to eat.  If I can clean up my crack(er) addiction,  I have faith that you can too!

When I first made the decision to cut out processed foods and move toward real food, I was worried about what I would eat for snacks as the items that I once considered pantry staples/snacks started disappearing from my shelves.  I'm not a huge snacker but my weakest moments happen when I just get home from work and start preparing dinner.  

I'm slowly working my way through some real food snack recipes that I've found online to find ones that I like and I've purchased a few items like Larabars, Triscuits and roasted almonds for quick "grab a handful and go" snacks.  Of course, fresh fruits and veggies make excellent snack choices as well. 

I ran across this recipe from 100 Days of Real Food for Easy Cheesy Crackers with only three ingredients.  They're super easy to mix up, bake and have on hand for snack attacks.  They freeze well (either as an unbaked log or go ahead and slice, bake and freeze) so you can have them on hand any time you like.  They taste just like Cheez-Its or maybe like the goldfish crackers, although I haven't had one of those in eons to remember exactly what it tastes like. 

When I make these, I like to add some fresh herbs to the dough - whatever is growing plentiful in my garden at the time - and cut them really thin.  Serve on a platter with your favorite cheeses and/or fruits or just eat them for a snack all by themselves. 

Make sure you visit Lisa Leake's page 100 Days of Real Food for more great tips on how to gradually change your diet and menus to include more real food. 

Cheesy Herb Crackers
Makes about 2 dozen, depending on thickness

Inspired by Lisa Leake's Easy Cheesy Crackers

Printable Recipe

1 cup whole-wheat flour
5 tablespoons cold butter, cut into tablespoon size chunks
1 ½ cups (about 4 oz.) grated cheddar cheese
2 tablespoons fresh herbs of choice, chopped (chives or dill makes an excellent choice)

Nothing good ever comes of an addiction. Cigarettes make you cough up a lung. Alcohol rots your liver. Porn scorches your eyes. And snacks...well, snacks make your jeans shrink up real tight. They make the scale tip way too far in the wrong direction. Extra pounds appear seemingly overnight. Yet despite the horrible side effects, we think nothing of bending our elbow toward our mouth for another hit from the snack crack pipe.

My latest snack addiction is these Sensible Portions Pita Bites. You'd think they'd be all good-for-you healthy and stuff and they probably are, but the words sensible and portions should be a clue that CONTROL is key to proper addiction management. When my beloved Harris Teeter advertises these little bites of cracker meth for BOGO, you can bet my pantry is stocked for just those occasions when I'm in desperate need of a hit.

So what do you think happened the one night that I rounded the kitchen corner, peered into the pantry and suddenly realized I was facing an empty shelf? I got an adrenaline rush, my heart raced, my blood pressure sky-rocketed, I shook like a leaf, my pupils dilated as large as saucers, my hairs stood on end, and I broke into a cold sweat. Classic symptoms of the DTs.

Thank heavens for Smitten Kitchen's rendition of Gourmet magazine's Crisp Rosemary Flatbreads. Now I can feed the addiction any time I damn well please. If you're a straight shooter like me, you'll enjoy these on their own but they're also perfect with cheeses and any dip or spread that you can conjure up.

Pass the pipe over this way, would ya? And get me some bigger jeans while you're at it.



Crisp Rosemary Flatbread
Adapted from Gourmet, July 2008
Stolen shamelessly from Smitten Kitchen. (All notes are those of SK's)

Nothing could be easier than making this cracker, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell people you slaved all day over it because they’re going to be impressed, really impressed, and I see no reason not to milk it.

I think you could easily swap the rosemary for other herbs, such as thyme or tarragon, or punch it up with black pepper or other spices, but personally, I like it just the way it is here.

1 3/4 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon chopped rosemary plus 2 (6-inch) sprigs
1 teaspoon baking powder
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup water
1/3 cup olive oil plus more for brushing
Flaky sea salt such as Maldon

Preheat oven to 450°F with a heavy baking sheet on rack in middle.

Stir together flour, chopped rosemary, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl. Make a well in center, then add water and oil and gradually stir into flour with a wooden spoon until a dough forms. Knead dough gently on a work surface 4 or 5 times.

Divide dough into 3 pieces and roll out 1 piece (keep remaining pieces covered with plastic wrap) on a sheet of parchment paper into a 10-inch round (shape can be rustic; dough should be thin).

Lightly brush top with additional oil and scatter small clusters of rosemary leaves on top, pressing in slightly. Sprinkle with sea salt. Slide round (still on parchment) onto preheated baking sheet and bake until pale golden and browned in spots, 8 to 10 minutes. Transfer flatbread (discard parchment) to a rack to cool, then make 2 more rounds (1 at a time) on fresh parchment (do not oil or salt until just before baking). Break into pieces.

Flatbread can be made 2 days ahead and cooled completely, then kept in an airtight container at room temperature.